


A Crack Fic Calls

by deitabytes



Category: An Inspector Calls - Priestley
Genre: Crack, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21564736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deitabytes/pseuds/deitabytes
Summary: Here's a vaguely cracky 'how it should have ended' for An Inspector Calls. Yes, my friends and I really performed this for my English class and teacher.(PS: I played Gerald hee hee)
Relationships: Eric Birling/Gerald Croft
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	A Crack Fic Calls

Birling: That was the police. A girl has just come into the Infirmary – after swallowing some disinfectant – **but she’s miraculously survived**. And a police inspector is on his way here – to ask some – questions –

(Edna enters)

Sheila: My God! She alive! Well, I must go to apologize and help her however I can!

Mrs Birling: Hysterical child! You can’t be seen with those sorts of girls!

Sheila: Have you learnt nothing? I will insist that she gets the best care. Edna, would you like to come along? I hate to see you stuck in the house with these fools.

Mrs Birling: I beg your pardon!

Sheila: Then Beg.

Edna: If that would please you, miss, I will accompany you.

Sheila: Please, call me Sheila. I’m sick of these barriers . Come, we have no time to waste.

(Edna and Sheila exit)

(The remaining characters look around awkwardly. Eric suddenly seems angry)

Eric: Gerald, would you step outside with me for a second?

Gerald: Ah… yes, of course

(They walk outside)

What is it that you-

(cut off by Eric slapping him)

Eric: I’ve been squiffy, I’ll admit, but now I’m returning to my senses I’m disgusted at your treatment of my sister and this situation! How could you be willing to let yourself off with not one drop of shame? She maintained a close demeanour, but I’m certain she will never forgive you. Now the girl is alive, will you run off with her?

Gerald: I- I… No. I was being truthful when I said I did not love her. I… was not satisfied with Sheila alone, nor with Daisy, and I am beginning to believe I may never be satisfied. But Eric, could I not come to this conclusion alone? Why did you bring me here?

Eric: I refuse to let you hide from the facts. I find you an amicable fellow, Gerald, and one of the family, but I will not have you stay in ignorance like my parents and no doubt your own. I am going to tell you what you missed.

Gerald: Ah... thank you, Eric, I think. Perhaps that would be best.

Eric: (Visibly upset) … You have no doubt noticed my… problems with drink. I have felt a certain frustration for several years now… a feeling of missing out… this led me to the Palace Theatre Bar on too many dark nights. I was in an aggravated state… I’m afraid I rather pushed myself upon Miss Smith… we met on several more occasions and she ended up with-child. I stole money from my father, to give to her, but she realised and refused it. My own mother refused to offer her charity when she had the chance. I regret my actions deeply, Gerald, you must believe me, but my mother shows no shame and I am disgusted.

Gerald: I see… Eric, I think we are more similar than we ever believed. I’ve noticed your socialist leaning and brushed it off as squiffy talk… but, isn’t there something to be said for the merits of community? The girl, as indeed there seems to be only one, may have lived, but I’m sorry to say… babies are rather more fragile, and I fear-

(cut off by a sob from Eric)

Eric: (crying) I know, I know, Oh God, I pray I can someday redeem myself of my effect on every Eva and John Smith. I will change, and I only hope you will learn too. The famous younger generation can bring change, I’m sure… Oh Lord, Gerald!

(He collapses, sobbing, into Gerald’s arms. Gerald looks unsure for a moment, but softens and comforts him. They suddenly fall out of sight)

Gerald: Woah, steady the buffs!

(Back to Mr and Mrs Birling)

Mrs Birling: Whatever could they be discussing?

Mr Birling: As I said previously, you don’t know what some of these boys get up to nowadays. But the bigger issue is how we shall handle this new inspector. The maid is not even here to answer the door. I have half a mind to-

Mrs Birling: To fire her, and set off another scandal?

Mr Birling:…Yes?

Mrs Birling: A sensible idea. I shall, of course, deny her help should she ask for it, as that is the mindset I have firmly settled into over my life.

Mr Birling: Completely justifiable. Now, this inspector will no doubt be a man. Thus, I believe I will be able to avoid confrontation by offering him… a monetary gain.

Mrs Birling: Yes, perhaps I can offer him… something, too, to save our reputation.

(Inspector Goole enters)

Inspector: Good evening.

Mr Birling: You! I have many words for you, sir, beginning with-

Mrs Birling: Arthur, your peasant roots are on display! I insist you sit down!

Inspector: I see the youth of your family have taken my words to heart. It’s a pity about the fire and blood and anguish they will suffer in short years.

Mr Birling: What are you on about?

Inspector: No matter. I’m here to see if the facts have diffused into your minds yet.

Mrs Birling: If you wish to see me confess to some crime, you shall be waiting until your grave!

Inspector: Unless yours come first, Mrs Birling.

(She seems taken aback)

Inspector: I see your shock at my insistence. I will see you change. I will not leave until I am confident you have learnt a lesson.

Mrs Birling: (Whispering) We must offer him something he cannot refuse!

(Mr Birling thinks for a moment)

Mr Birling: (slowly) Say, Inspector, you are awfully dedicated to your work. Could you not do with a reward? I’m sure I can offer you-

Inspector: Mr Birling, I will consider any attempt to bribe me evidence of crime

Mr Birling: Ah- I can offer you… a trip! On the revolutionary Titanic. A trip with my wife and I to the colonies, where we must go, in order to attend to…

Mrs Birling: …clients. And my husband will be so busy with the clients, it shall be you and I, Inspector. We can experience the… finest side of luxury

Inspector: If you must make this trip, I should like to accompany you. I’ve heard the ship is unsinkable… absolutely unsinkable…

Mrs Birling: I like a man who knows what he wants…

Mr Birling: (Moving between them) I certainly want to get going. If we are to reach Southampton in time we must leave immediately!

Mrs Birling: Hold on… (writes titanic note)

(They exit. Eva enters and lies on table. Sheila and Edna enter)

Sheila: My goodness! Are you Eva Smith?

Eva: I am… and you are? Oh my… you’re the woman who had me fired. What are you doing here? Have I not been through enough and the hands of your family?

Sheila: That’s why I’m here.

(She gets on knees. Edna looks awkward, Eva confused)

Sheila: I am so, so, so sorry for all me and my family have done to them. I see the error of my actions, the consequence I have on every working man and woman. I can only beg your forgiveness and offer you whatever you want or need for you to recover and live a happy life. I know a man named Gerald Croft, my former fiancé, once offered you the same and betrayed you: I swear I will deliver on my word.

Eva: Why should I believe you?

Edna: Miss Smith, if I may, my name is Edna, I am a maid of the Birling Household and I truly think Miss… Sheila… will help you.

Eva: I see… well, I will admit my life has been rotten up until now, otherwise I wouldn’t have…

(a pause)

Sheila: I am truly grateful you are alive. It’s an awfully long story, but I had reason to believe you had not survived, and I felt guilt I had never felt before. I kept thinking back to the girl I met in that shop. Had I not been so immature and prejudiced, couldn’t we have become close friends?

Edna: Miss Smith, you are lucky to be alive. It’s as if a… ghoul was watching over you

Eva: A ghoul… perhaps. But if you’re serious about helping me… well, I don’t see how it could work.

Sheila: In my eyes us three women, and every woman and every man, are equals. I refuse to build the walls between classes that my parents love so. I’m building second storeys for us all and knocking walls down! Please, both of you, come home with me. I will confront my parents and will not stop until they let us live equally!

(They exit. Eric and Gerald enter)

Gerald: Well Eric, I’m so glad we were able to be emotional and honest in a way that men, particularly in this day and age, are never usually able; we have developed a close bond and will surely be able to help each other through our respective issues!

Eric: Cheers to emotional openness! Let’s improve our lives! Let’s throw out the port and… somehow find the money to repay my father…

Gerald: I was thinking… you think your sister will no longer wish to marry me, and to be honest I doubt we are right for each other. But I still have that ring, and it’s worth a considerable sum…

Eric: (sees titanic note) wait… look! ‘Gone to Titanic’. Isn’t that the huge, unsinkable ship to the colonies? My God, they’ve run away to escape the law!

(Sheila, Eva and Edna run in)

Sheila: Mother, Father, you simply must accept that these girls and I have equal value and I have no fears about running off and joining the suffragettes if you refuse to see that-

Eric: Sheila, look! ‘Gone to Titanic’!

Sheila: …Oh! Hello, Eric… Gerald… I didn’t see you there. ‘Gone to Titanic’. Isn’t that the huge, unsinkable ship to the colonies? My God, they’ve run away to escape the law!

Gerald; That’s just what Eric sa-

Sheila: Oh Gerald, can’t you be quiet, you capitalist-sympathising, woman-using-

Gerald: Daisy?

Eva: Gerald!? Eric??

Eric: Eva, I-

Eva: Sheila, what are they doing here?

Gerald: Everyone, Eric has shown me the error of my prejudiced ways!

Sheila: That doesn’t make up for what you did to Eva and I both!

Edna: Everyone, quiet!

(They all stop and look)

Edna: Clearly this is going to take a lot of truth, discussion and forgiveness. So how about we all sit down and talk?

(Cut to Mr and Mrs Birling and Inspector on Titanic. It is sinking. They lean more and more)

Mrs Birling: I must say, the service on this so called ‘luxury’ ship is below unsatisfactory!

Inspector: Mrs Birling, the ship has hit an iceberg and is…

Mrs Birling: (ignoring) still, I should not and will not apologize for taking perfectly reasonable action!

Mr Birling: Perfectly reasonable action, rejecting the exact woman you were meant to be pretending to want to help? What was perfectly reasonable was me firing her for trying to ruin the economy.

Inspector: Sir and Madam, This ship is sinking.

Mrs Birling: Not now, waiter!

Inspector: I am not… oh. Aha! Not the ending I had planned but somehow more perfect. Farewell, pigs! (He gets off table and begins to swim)

Mrs Birling: You, Arthur, started this whole mess, you brought public scandal upon your own name, and frankly I hate to be associated with it. I’d rather be Mrs Goole at this rate!

Mr Birling: How dare you, woman! Actually… have you seen that cursed Inspector recently? And… why is it so chilly all of a sudden?

(They both fall off table)

(Eric, Gerald, Edna, Eva and Sheila sit around table)

Edna: Port, Eric?

Eric: No thank you, Edna, I’m staying away from the stuff

Gerald: My word, isn’t this a familiar scene?

Sheila: Goodness, I hadn’t even noticed! Just months ago, it was almost exactly like this!

Eric: Celebrating your engagement… well, this may not be so official, but it isn’t entirely so different?

Eva: These last years have had so many twists and turns… you could almost write a play about it!

(They all laugh)

Sheila: I suppose it’s a pity about mother and father. But then again, they never would’ve changed. It’s us youth who needed space to grow and change the world!

Gerald: And Eric’s inheritance of the company and house allowed all this to happen!

Eric: Birling and Croft’s, the best paying company around… our aim, to consider each employee part of a family, and break social walls down around us!

Edna: And Eva inspired us to open the house to people in need. But with the fair wages you offer, the workers of Brumley can provide for themselves.

Eric: Eric and Gerald!  
Gerald: Partners…

Both: In business!

Sheila: It’s queer, very queer…. Remember, we were all at each other’s throats until Inspector Goole showed up!

Eva: He was soaking wet as if he’d been in the ocean… nevertheless, he helped us talk through our issues and realise what we all really wanted.

Edna: Then he said, ‘pity about the fire and blood and anguish’, then left, and we never saw him again.

(Pause. Then laughter)

Gerald: Well, I see no fire or blood or anguish right here! And surely nothing world-destroying will happen in 2 years from now, July 1912, and disrupt my or Eric’s or any of our daily lives.

Eric: And to think all this joy came about because we took some responsibility for our actions. Here’s to learning from the past!

(They all raise their glasses. The end!)


End file.
